My Self Worth II

In my 28 years of life, I’ve often lived in the shadows of others. My friends were the A scorers. My cousins were the Distinction holders. That’s why I pushed myself in college. I want my family to be proud of me. Each time I quit my job I feel like I’ve failed all over again. A no-do-gooder, the black sheep of the family. I don’t know if there are people out there who feel the same way as I do.

The fact that my parents paid for my university education is to me utterly embarrassing. I should have been the one who financed my studies not them. I graduated with a Distinction in my degree and I attribute it all to my parents. This is their degree. My parents never went to uni. Like many people of their generation, they finished Secondary Five and sat for their MCE (today’s equivalent is our SPM). After that they started working and working and working till the day they retired.

Did I quit because I wasn’t strong enough? Is it because I’m not as hardworking as my parents? Do I give up easily? Why can’t I just hold onto a job like my parents? Why can’t I just join some multinational company. get a monthly salary, health benefits, EPF, SOCSO, and just work and work till the day I retire?

Why do I remember the names of films/film directors/actors? Why do I enjoy watching films/international films? Why do I like talking about films? Why did I take up Screen Studies as my major at uni? Why do I even bother to take note of a film’s cinematography/casting/ production design/script when all others do are just take note of the story and actors?

I really don’t know what I’d do if I weren’t in this industry. I’m comfortable doing what I’m doing right now. My Granny has no idea what I do for a living. She keeps telling me she doesn’t know how to describe the nature of my work to other people. I remember meeting a college senior at a post production house. He told his family he works at TV3 when he is clearly working at YY. Yeah just mention the name of a TV station, that’ll stop people from asking further (for now…).

Popo, I’m a Production Manager/Assistant Producer/Casting Coordinator/Production Assistant/Runner/Coolie. Does anyone know how people in our industry work? How Producers and their assistants multitask like an octopus? How a Director of Photography (DOP) and his Gaffer/Grip carefully light up the set? How the DOP and his camera assistants come up with creative camerawork? How an Art Director comes up with the tone, mood and overall art direction?

The everyday person would keep scratching his head even though we try to explain using the simplest terms. It can be complicated but we all work as one. All of us try to achieve the best for the film.

I recently decided to be a Freelancer. Yes, I hardly know people in the industry. The first question is how would I be able to survive? I should get a permanent job first. Would I be able to get enough jobs? What about the money? Yes, I don’t even know when my next job is coming. What if the Producer I’m currently working with engages another person, what would happen to me? Why are there so many what ifs? I don’t know what’s going on anymore but one thing I’m holding steadfast is I’ll give myself till end of this year to be a Freelancer. By 31 December 2008 I’ll know if I should continue or get a full time job.